Surrender isn’t the same as giving up but it sure can feel like it.
The insurance adjusting never paid off. Thousands of dollars, 6 licenses, 32 certifications, over 600 hours of training, and I never worked a single job. Some things just aren’t meant to be.
I’ll take what I learned there and try to apply it somewhere else but in order for me to do it right and to continue pursuing my goals to turn to writing full time I need to be able to support myself and can’t do that alone on the substandard wages I made in Mobile.
So I came back North to finish out the season hoping I could make enough before freeze to at least pay off the debt I created trying to change careers and bank some to see me through winter, but it’s not happening. Freeze came early. The season is pretty much over.
Unless something unexpected happens I have no choice but to commit to driving truck for the full season next year. The man I am working for in Montana is providing a comfortable trailer rent-free as part of my pay so saving money will be easier.
I’ll head back to Mobile for a few months when I know for sure the work season is over and return in the spring.
I was optimistic and hopeful when I moved to Mobile last year and while I’m not giving up on my goals I can’t help feeling like I failed even if it is just a temporary setback.
But that’s just a feeling and I am neither defined nor controlled by it.
I will make the best of what I am given and keep moving forward no matter what.
Another year, Mother
Another Cycle of Moons gone by
I sit with head bowed
While recalling the tears, joys, fears and sorrows
As you thin the veil once more
I peer into the space
That separates us
And see you smiling back at me
And I am overcome with gratitude for all that has been
And with hope
For all that will be
I give to you my heart
With all that it carries
And give thanks that you have made me
Samhain is here.
It is a time of harvest and the welcoming of winter. An understanding and acceptance that all life springs from the dark time that comes before.
I thought I might write about the three days of Samhain in a comparison to the the sacred triad. The trinity. The triple goddess. And how they lead to a thinning of the veil on November 2nd when the souls of those who went before and cleared the path to the Divine are closest to this plane.
Maybe even touch on the personal significance of this time.
But I won’t.
Instead, I just want to keep it simple and say “Happy Halloween!” because sometimes I think too much and sometimes thinking less is better.
Blessed and joyous Samhain to all of you!
I’m glad you’re here 🙂
Image by Wendy Andrew
So long ago now
So long ago I hardly remember
I stood in the tall grass
For the first time
That the world was so large
So large that I could barely see my toes above the sharp blades
That housed the hopping
So large that it could encompass my every dream
Dreams that altered space and time
Dreams that excited me
Now the world is small
Infinitesimal in comparison
And nearly meaningless
Except for those dreams
Of so long ago
Note: I think I will rewrite the end. I was probably not feeling terribly optimistic at that time. If written now it might end something like:
The world is smaller now
Yet filled with meaning
The dreams of so long ago
Only began to reach
Or something like that 🙂
Welcome to the season of indecision. Buckle up, it’s going to be a roller coaster ride that will either end with nausea and bruises or an elated arm pumping “YESS!!”
It’s also going to be a long ride that won’t officially roll to a stop until the total lunar eclipse on January 21, 2019.
That big box you see in the image is called a Grand Cross and it represents exactly what you might think, a crossroads. In this case, a crossroads of influence.
Think of the image as a flat surface, like a plate, only it’s loaded with pits and peaks and gravity defying turns, and at the outer edge of each direction is a magnet.
Now imagine that you are a steel ball resting somewhere near the middle but already polarized to a particular direction because of recent events and your overall emotional and psychological state prior to this conjunction.
If you were to enter the crossroads unaware or uncaring of the influences there’s a good chance you will gravitate further into that field. Especially if you are already drifting toward those fields where the magnetism is a little stronger. That’s the blue line.
Making sense? I hope so because it’s the best analogy I’ve come up with.
Here’s the cool part: Influence does not equal destiny.
Just because we may feel naturally inclined to roll in a particular direction does not mean we must roll in that direction. We always have a choice and when we make that choice, either consciously or unconsciously, we send energy to one of those magnets and because a charged magnet has a stronger attraction we will invariably be drawn towards it.
This is always true, not just now, and it is our best method of creating desired change. Some refer to it as the Law of Attraction.
So, Mr James, why the big explanation? What’s this buildup all about?
I’m glad you asked.
The magnets here, which mostly deal with love and relationships under this phase of the moon, represent polar opposites of each other: security/insecurity, commitment/abandonment, independence/interdependence, stability/instability.
The natural flow in this case, the position of the charged magnets, is at abandonment and instability. Yay!
Why “Yay?” Because this creates a fantastic opportunity to learn and grow and all I have to do is make a choice and commit to it. Fooo!
Why “Fooo?” Because it will be more difficult to commit during this time.
Therein, as Shakespeare says, lay the rub.
It’s likely that in the coming weeks we will feel both the desire to be in a lasting relationship and the impulse to walk away from the ones we already have. It’s also likely that we will be more inclined to hedonistic urges and (good news/bad news follows) suddenly find ourselves facing the possibility of entering a new relationship, with someone younger or less mature.
If you are single that’s sort of good news. If you are not single it’s going to be a challenge. Either way, it is unlikely to last because those who find themselves in that situation will be drawn there by the negative aspects of those polarities.
But wait! There’s more!
Because this crossroads will basically reverse itself in January the time in between could be a hell of a ride and you may find yourself pinballing back and forth across that plate until you are so beat up you throw in the towel.
Here’s what I suggest:
1. Make a choice. Stick to it. Everything you do is a choice. If you choose to ignore your choices and just go with the flow that is still a choice. So choose wisely and choose now and then focus only on that choice. Indecision is your enemy.
2. Be aware. Going through these next months with eyes closed will only make the ride worse. It’s always best to know what’s coming up and that requires we keep our eyes open and alert.
3. Be excited and unafraid. Getting onto a roller coaster with apprehension and fear will take all the fun out of it and this really could be the best ride you’ve ever been on.
Remember, as with all full moons this is a beginning, not an end.
So strap in close to your partner and enjoy the ride.