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I have been living a double life, a triple life, really, and it’s becoming a problem.

In the Caravan I am a writer of hope, love, truth, mindfulness, passion, equality, growth, understanding, the things that are the deepest of my beliefs, my core, and I try to emulate those things in the way I live.

I’m failing.

In part, because of what I do for a living. I drive truck in the Bakken oilfields. That makes me an active participant in the destruction of our planet. I do it because it is the best money I can make and because it provides me a level of freedom most jobs don’t. I pay nothing for rent or utilities and work almost entirely on my own with few interactions with my employer, and I take winters off.

It’s a sweet deal but it makes me feel like a bit of a sellout.

Mostly I find myself failing at those primary goals because I also write, under a pen name (I will not share), unapologetically, fearlessly, about politics and the need to protect Democracy. I use a forceful voice in much of that writing. It is a voice of anger and rage borne out of contempt for those who wish to control through lies and of the willfully ignorant who follow and support them.

What began as a way for me to express and share my thoughts on those subjects has taken on a life of its own. It has grown into an entire franchise that spreads across all the major social platforms and has its own website that is becoming a directory, a clearing house of sorts, of all things pro-democracy.

It embodies other beliefs at my core. The belief in the principals of equality, human rights, civil rights, climate action, and the rightful will of the people to decide and guide their own future.

It has been far more successful in its efforts than the Caravan, going from being an anonymous outcry to a de facto organization with thousands of followers and a growing network of supporting organizations, media contributors, and influencers in just a matter of months and now has potential to provide an income.

That bothers me. A lot.

Even though I believe it’s necessary and represents other things I feel strongly about, it requires that I spend far too much time buried in the mire of negativity of current politics and that makes it more than a little difficult to maintain the balance of positivity I want in my life.

I’m writing this because I believe that in sharing these truths, in bringing them to light, they become less of the lie they feel like.

I’m not sure what to do about it.

On one hand I have a strong desire, a need, to live a peaceful life in harmony with those around me.

On the other hand I know that the environment necessary to live in harmony with anyone is fragile and requires strong voices and people willing to act to protect it.

And in the middle is an aging truck driver that just wants to live honestly and spend the last chapters of his life writing in retirement.

I’ll figure it out.

Image by Mocno Fotografia.

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