My journey continues

On October 8th of 2017 I drove 1,774 miles straight into hurricane Nate to find out if my Beloved and I had a future together. It appears that answer is “no”.

She is an extraordinary woman. Extremely intelligent. Highly creative. Spiritually evolved. She has a great career and is upwardly mobile. She is vibrant and alive. Sensual and sexual. Healthy and active. Has great kids. In short, she is everything I hope to find in a partner.

Almost everything. She would tell you the same about me.

Because I love her and have a deep respect for her no matter what, and because we are making the effort to remain friends, we spoke quite a bit before making this post.

What follows applies to everyone, including myself.

The two things I address most often when talking about relationships is our ability to manifest love through faith in action and our obligation to be as prepared as we can be.

Being prepared starts by knowing yourself and your needs. No one can ever truly know you if you don’t know yourself.

It means we acknowledge and address whatever issues we have as best we can. That we understand that we are complete as we are and that we embrace our wholeness.

It means we have a pretty good idea of what we want, and do not want, in a Lover. What type of person are they? What do we expect from them and what do we offer in return? How might our lives affect each other? Are we able to commit to the effort it takes to build a relationship? Are they?

It is so much more than “I want to be loved”. That sort of open ended desire leads to suffering. How do you want to be loved? What does it look like? What actions are involved? What do you bring to the table? What expectations do you have of your partner? Have you made room for them in your life?

I will not point to any of these examples and say “this is why we are not together” because the simple truth is that neither of us was fully prepared. Not in the way we needed to be. We are both worthy and deserving and I have no doubt that we will both find ourselves in incredible loving relationships. Just not with each other.

We do not see this as a “failure” and neither of us have any regrets. Making the move to be close to her was the right thing to do, there was no way for us to learn these things from a distance, and the opportunity to find real love is always worth the risk.

Our last day together as a couple was sweet. We went for a walk. Set up her porch swing. Did a little arts and crafts shopping. We sat close and talked and laughed. We kissed.

Two days later we mutually called an end to it and offered each other metta, a spoken intention and meditation of loving kindness: “May you be loved. Be happy. Be healthy. Live with ease.”

That is what I will always want for her, and for myself, because even though the relationship has ended, the love remains. We continue to communicate regularly and do our best to carry these intentions of loving kindness into action. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it, we are worth it.

I am grateful for our time together and will continue to learn from the experience as I do from everything that happens in my life. It was good to love and be loved, even if only for a little while. Love is a gift and loving her was a privilege.

I am not sure where to go from here, I guess I’ll discover that along the way, all I know for sure is that my journey continues.

 

 

10 Comments

  1. I believe there are times throughout our lives that we meet a soulmate, one of several? many? who walk and live among us. I believe it’s fate and I believe they come into our lives in many forms and many ways….Lover, friend, coworker, relative, that stranger sitting on a tour bus with you.
    Destiny is funny like that.
    I believe, as many do, that they aren’t always there to fit in our lives the way we may have hoped or wished for, and sadly some of them are in our lives for brief amounts of time. Others will always be just a phone call away. And if you are one of the lucky few, right beside you in your bed.
    But no matter who, no matter what and no matter when, we will never walk away from that encounter as the same person we were before we met them.
    I think that’s what they are there for. I think that’s what we are there for …. in their lives. We are changed and challenged and taught by their very presence in our lives, no matter how long or brief. And we will never, ever forget that person and what they brought to us, and what we took away.
    And I think you know all of this.
    In this big old world we meet a lot of ppl. It’s such a gift, such a joy to meet up with a soul whose energy vibes with our own. Our spirit soars! It feels like a homecoming, doesn’t it? A glorious, godly, spiritual homecoming.

    May your relationship with this soulmate of yours, in whatever form it eventually takes, last a lifetime…..and maybe the next. 😉

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    1. This is actually something I planned to write about in a couple weeks but you have said it so beautifully that I have nothing left to write. Thank you!

      Yes, to find our soul aflame is an extraordinary experience and worth all efforts to keep pristine. It can be so easy for us to lose sight of what a gift love is and how rare and precious those soul encounters really are.

      May you be blessed with many such encounters ❤

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  2. I am disappointed for you both. I was… am truly excited and joyful to see such devotion, respect and love explored and to be allowed a tiny peak at what it looks like. I am impressed with how consciously you have worked together through this. I hope that you find that “incredible loving relationship” when it presents itself. You seem to have a lot to offer.

    Keep following your Mångata 🙂 I believe, Selene will cross the chasm to be with such a faithful shepherd.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. We are both disappointed but maybe not in the way you might think. We wanted it to be something that it wasn’t going to be but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t an incredible experience, because it was, and it will be cherished forever.

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  3. I felt your excitement when you posted about driving to your love in October and now I feel your sadness. Beautiful post, thankyou and I wish you all the best on your continuing journey 💜

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  4. James, although my heart breaks for you, I know this is just going to lead you on to another incredible journey. You are truly an inspiring person. I always look forward to reading your words.
    Hugs to you, my friend. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Thank you, Gretchen. I hope your heart can rejoice for me as well because even in ending the relationship we have expressed a truer love than most people ever experience. What an amazing gift!

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