I carried you in my heart, as a part of my soul, as I always do, but you should have been there.
You should have been with me as I travelled from place to place searching for my Self.
Should have been there as I raged and cried. As I laughed and sang and danced and tried to sleep.
You should have been there holding my hand as the fear and tension grew and subsided, raised and fell, like waves.
Should have shared my joy at reaching the summit of that long trail and my sorrow at finding it empty. Should have held me close as the tears flowed. A river of emotion. Like the rain that refused to fall.
Should have been there so we could have made love on that high stoney peak. Or in the lush green valley below. Or along the miles of trail leading there. On the side of the road while I decided which direction to go next. In the parking lot of those places I had no real interest in being. Not without you you. Not without you.
You should have been there when I found myself, there by that hidden lake in the middle of nowhere. There as my eyes cleared and my inner turmoil subsided. There as I found my feet exactly where they should be; below me on the path I chose so long ago. No longer trying to outrun me. No longer leading me to those distant places.
You should have been there but you weren’t because we are not together. Not a “thing”.
Never have been.
May never be
For now I am the man you want but are, for good reasons, afraid to have and you are the woman I do not deserve. Not yet
But you should have been there.
I wanted you there.
I know you wanted that too.