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Unlearning: Take Two

unfuck yourself

Earlier today I made a post with the same title that went a very different direction than this one will. Without considering the harm it would cause someone I care deeply about. It was unsympathetic and undirected and unkind. It has been removed.

Writing has become a form of therapy for me. I use it to dig deeper into the things that are on my mind or bothering me or causing me pain. I write it down, edit until I’ve found the reasons behind the feelings, then release it on the page. Hopefully in a way that others can learn from my experiences and not have to go through the same struggles. Or at least in a way that shows others how alike we are. How we all suffer and learn. Rejoice and despair. Laugh and cry. And how all of it is okay.

Sometimes things are revealed while I write. Things I’m unaware of. Other times the revelations come from comments people leave. This time the understanding came directly from the person involved with the experience I was trying to understand.

Still the dog salivating at the sound of a bell.

What I wrote hurt them and I am deeply ashamed by that. Saying “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough. I am trying to live in a way where that is something that never needs to be said. It’s an unrealistic goal. But it is never my intention to hurt anyone. Especially those I love.

I wrote the piece while experiencing the pain I was in. Pain I felt they had caused intentionally without hearing them say the same thing I was saying, “I didn’t do it intentionally.

How strange that while my goal is to live intentionally I still do those same things from habit I learned lifetimes ago. Still the dog salivating at the sound of a bell. Thats something I wrote in the article that is no longer posted, but I missed it’s meaning.

If I am ever to reach my goal of becoming a Good Human, which truly is my life’s goal, then I need to become more aware of how my words and actions affect others, and I need to unlearn those habits that led me away from that path so long ago.

I’m not there yet. I am no guru. Not a teacher. I am neither a wise man nor a fool. Just a student.

Today I am unlearning.

Quote from the book Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life by Gary John Bishop.

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