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Seasons Gratings!

Christmas is over. Thank the gods!

I have something to admit: I have a problem with Christmas. Not an objection, I like the idea of families gathering and sharing, I just don’t have that, not for many years. and it’s become a problem. An issue.

I don’t know when it started, a long time ago, but every year now for a few weeks leading up to the day and building exponentially like a nuclear reactor going offline unexpectedly (except far more predictable), I deal with a pretty severe depression. By the time the day arrives I want to lock my doors, block the windows, turn off all the lights, and disappear silently into a bottle.

It’s a battle. One I usually lose. This year was no different. I tried. I really did. I meditated and read only optimistic news and reached out to family, but the meditations only made me aware of the underlying self pity, the good news made me feel left out, and family stayed out of reach.

How about that? Me. The Bohemian that spends his spare time learning, practicing, and writing about mindfulness and acceptance and gratitude and love. Depressed.

The thing about problems, problems like seasonal depression, or loneliness, or loss of self worth, or whatever, is that absolutely no one is immune. No one. The Christ faced his demons in the desert, Buddha constantly battled with Mara, and I deal with depression that lights up like a Roman candle with the first Christmas song played over crappy speakers in some back road gas station Santa will surely pass by and grows into a raging forest fire that chokes the life out of me and leaves me in ashes.

Okay, maybe that’s a little melodramatic, but also probably not so far from the truth of how it feels, but it’s also not my point.

My point is that everyone, absolutely everyone, deals with something and while I am neither the Christ or the Bhudda I have been given the very same tools to deal with those “somethings” that they were.

And one day I will learn how to use them.

Wait for it…

Today I’m grateful it’s passed and accept that I still have things to learn.

Depressed Bohemian, indeed.

There’s something funny about that image. I’ll throw it in the fodder file to use later. A gift to myself.

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4 Comments »

  1. But we know this about you… that’s why we’ve connected with you, signed up, read your posts and whatever… correction: I, I know this, I do this, cos you make me feel sane and less lonely. It’s no revelation. It’s why we love you. Correction – it’s why I love you.
    Your (no longer) depressed Bohemieness 🙏

    • Oh no, people read my stuff because I’m a depressed bohemian?! I need to work on that 🙂

      Seriously though, I’m glad I can help. No one should ever feel like they’re the only one because we are not.

      I love you too, Shelley. It’s love that drives me to share these things.

  2. Nooo!! Rather….Because you speak the truth. Of the maelstrom of the Big Heart. In it’s myriad light n shade. In its complexity n simplicity. It’s longings as well as it’s peace. It’s knowing, despair, vulnerability, courage, and everathink else! And also cos you can do clever things with words … and cos you keep faith in the good the true and the beautiful. And you don’t ever forget your grace.

    Gratefully 🙏

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