Note to Self

Recently, I was introduced to the term “imposter syndrome” which is defined as “a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud.”

Since I don’t feel like I’ve actually accomplished anything yet I argued that it really doesn’t apply to me (“that’s the point” she replied in silence). I am, however, quite intimate with the “fraud” part.

There’s so much I want to say. So many things I want to write about. I have a passion in me that has been ignited in a way that is impossible to extinguish. Nor would I want to extinguish it.

But the words won’t come.

Instead all I hear is:

“Fraud!”

“Charlatan!”

“Liar!”

“Pretender!”

How can I write about those things I feel and the lessons I have to share if I am unable to create and maintain them in my own life? Why should anyone listen to me? Why do the people I know continue to come to me for advice? I have had no success in love (or in life, really) to point at as an example and what I have learned I have learned painfully.

Rather than expose myself as that fraud I have written nothing but in doing so I prove that sense of failure because what I write about most often is hope and gratitude.

Some time back I read an article in the Buddhist review “Tricycle” by the Zen monk, Shozan Jack Haubner, who says:

“The only thing worse than trying to look younger than you are is trying to look wiser than you are.”

So I remind myself that my only failure is in thinking I’d be wiser by now and forgetting that I am only as wise as I allow my experiences to make me.

It is the suffering that has taught me the things I write about and though I don’t write about them in a “woe is me” manner does not mean I am pretending, it simply means I am learning.

Today I recommit myself to sharing what I have learned and to expressing the fire that burns in my soul because to hide it, or to hide from it, would truly make me a fraud.

As Shozan says, “…we all must commit wholeheartedly, moment after moment, to the life we have…”

This is my life. I will live it to the fullest. Even if that means pretending a little.

Words to live with

I recently received a message from a reader who shared with me a list of “Words that should be a part of everyone’s day.”

Its a beautiful list of words and feelings that I hope we all find good reason (or at least make excuses) to use as often as possible.

If you’ve spent any time reading what I write you have a pretty good idea of the words and their connected feelings and emotions that I use every day.

What follows are on Gretchens list, reprinted here with her permission. I will leave this on my front page a few days before adding my own words, but in the meantime I would like to know; what words are in your list?

 

Words to live with:

Sweet
Gentle
Kissing
Touching
Romantic
Tender
Loving
Sensual
Seductive
Inviting
Arousal
Wonder
Passionate
Mouthwatering
Intoxicating
Delicious
Exquisite
Erotic
Fire
Fierce
Tasting
Moaning
Sweaty
Beautiful
Exhausted
Spiritual
Intertwined
Breathing
Sleep
Soulmates

 

Please post your list in the comments and then do your best, as I will, to keep them in mind as we go throughout our days… and our nights.