I wonder; will I ever become the man I have tried so hard to be? Will my past ever let go of me? Can I ever truly break free from it? Move beyond it?
I don’t know. I really don’t.
Most of my successes have been built on the back of my failures. I didn’t learn to be the man I am by getting it right but by screwing up, epically, and then learning from my mistakes and becoming proactive instead of reactive. To always be mindful. To listen to what it is I am feeling, understand it, then express it productively.
There are times when unexpected reactions bubble up and I become toxic. Reaction takes over. Erupts.
Is this failure? While “failure” is not a word I often apply to anything, it can be considered a failure if those reactions affect those I love.
It happens. I wish it didn’t, I wish to God it didn’t, but it does and when it does I can not help but feel as if it is the last mistake I am allowed.
Then I remember something I told a friend of mine, “It’s not the last fight until it’s the last fight.”
In treating one of those volatile reactions as the final act that drives the nail into whatever it is I am doing I literally provide the nail, and the hammer, and the force that drives the nail home. I manifest my fears by believing in them.
What I am doing is worth the effort. Where I am is worth the time to adjust to. Who I am with is worth loving and believing in. We are worth believing in.
I will not believe in anything but those things which further my path, our path, and our place in the world.
Yes, I will make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. There will be times that the events of my past, a past I have spent so much time learning will come back to haunt me. The reason for this is simple; I have dealt with those things alone.
I am not alone. Not any more. I have a whole new set of lessons to learn now.
I look forward to the learning with the knowledge that it never ends.