I’ve really let myself go. I haven’t meditated regularly since before I went to Montana, or practiced yoga or worked out or hiked or even walked much.
In fact, for the last three months all I did is drink too much, smoke too much, and watch movies.
I was giving up. In self destruct mode. I just didn’t know it. Funny how that happens.
Why would nature give us a self destruct mode anyway? Is it a part of the evolutionary process? Perhaps it’s a way to filter out those less willing to succeed regardless of their genetic traits. A way of leveling the playing field.
Whatever the reason I need to terminate it because two days ago, just a week after arriving back in Mobile, I loaded up my car and started driving back north in blind obedience of that instinct.
I had a list of “valid” reasons for leaving, like being in a place I felt like I didn’t belong while struggling with a strong need to belong somewhere, feeling stagnant and nonproductive and wanting to do something about it, and the deep emotional pain of loss, loss of love, loss of dreams, loss of hope, loss of Self.
The entire list is made up of excuses that justify the urge to self destruct.
I have a home. It doesn’t matter that I live 2,000 miles away in NE Montana, Mobile is my home. The job in Montana is just a means to an end.
I belong in the world. Not in a little trailer far away from anything that can hurt me in front of a big screen with a drink in my hand while I binge watch Game of Thrones and give up on my dreams.
I feel stagnant and unproductive because I’m not doing the things I should be doing and I can do those things anywhere.
Okay, the pain is real but it’s not fatal unless I allow it to be. So I’ll keep reminding myself that pain is where the light gets in and offers the lessons I need to learn. I have so much to learn yet so I’m grateful I’m getting the opportunities.
It took a whole day of driving, 1,100 miles, to begin to understand these things. To admit to myself what I was doing and to apologize to the people I hurt by running away, because that’s all I was really doing.
I reprimanded myself, cried, forgave myself.
Then I turned around and began the long drive back home.
When the weather changes and the work season begins again I will drive back to Montana to follow through on the goals I’ve set, but not until then.
The first things I will do when I get there are throw out the TV and the ashtray and find my yoga mat.