Waving the White Flag

white-flag

 

Well, I’m back. Though I’m not sure what that means.

First, let me say that I am extremely relieved and thankful that hurricane Florence did not land as the expected Cat 4 even though it means I have no work because I would not wish that sort of devastation on anyone.

I have tried, unsuccessfully, to write about surrender many times now. It is a subject I have a difficult time with because as strong as my faith is and accepting as I can be I still have a hard time separating “surrender” from “giving up”

I don’t want to give up but I do need to surrender.

I have done my best in this last year to change my life and while I have been undeniably successful in many ways I feel I have utterly failed in others. I knew that changing my life would not be easy, but I did believe it was possible.

Now I’m not so sure.

I made just enough money in the week I was deployed to either hold on for another month or to move on. Moving on, in this case, actually means moving backwards, which is something else I have a difficult time with.

At this moment I am seriously considering taking the little money I made and heading back to the oilfield. Trucking has always been a sure bet for me. I can literally go anywhere and find a job driving. The problem is that I honestly despise that life.

My other option is to stay put, dig in, use what I earned to get me to the next storm. The problem is that there may not be a next storm and when the money is gone I will be left without an option. It will be too late in the year to expect to find work in ND and I won’t have the finances to make the move anyway. I will be left finding a driving job in Mobile, AL, home of the lowest driver rates in the nation. Barely above minimum wage.

So I have a choice between a known that I have been trying to escape for most of my adult life, a known that will pay the bills but likely make me want to withdraw again. Maybe for the last time. Or I can choose the unknown. Continue to place my faith in a desire for something better. Accept the possibility of it all falling apart at the last minute and leaving me without any options at all.

For now, in this moment, the best I can do is wave the white flag, retreat from the battle, accept that there are things beyond my control and maybe tomorrow I will begin to make new plans.

But I will not give up.

 

9 Comments

  1. Stop it. Stop it. You don’t know what will happen. You can’t know what will happen.
    Cry if you need to…what you’ve described is shit. But as you once said in response to me “feel it [the pain] with all your heart” (or similar!) cos that’s what keeps your heart open. Refuse to be broken. Because you’re not. As you already know – you are not in control. As you already know – you ARE perfect – exactly as you are, without any further journeying…
    you’re perfect. You’re beautiful.
    The rest of the world is aligning and catching up. Good things are happening…All is well.
    Huge Hugs Mr G 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. I am unbroken, but I am not unbreakable. I step carefully on my path taking nothing for granted. Assuming nothing. Expecting nothing.

      What I write is but a paragraphical expression of what I feel. A subjective confession. Parenthetical.

      Believe me when I say I have dived headlong into this feeling and it scares the crap out of me but I am not dissuaded. It’s just another hurdle in a long line of barriers and detours and as much as it pains me to face the possibility backtracking it is not the first time I have done so. I will progress.

      Thank you, Shelley. Thank you ❤️

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      Reply

      1. I should apologise. Im sorry. I wrote what i did without hesitation or reflection… I hear your vulnerability. I hear you have dived in and survive. I hear your courage. And thanks for sharing it all…i really do appreciate it. I feel it too – obviously!

        Just trying to respond with an open heart… Much love to you :))
        (id put a pretty heart emoji here but I’ve no emojis at this computer!)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No need to apologize, Shelley. You spoke from the heart. Expressed compassion. I appreciate it. I appreciate you.

        A < symbol followed by a 3 makes a decent heart btw 🙂

        Like

  2. A wise woman once told me, “you can never go back.”

    Once upon a time, I wanted to go back to a more pleasant time when I felt accepted and part of the community. I tried to go back. I thought I was open to new experiences in this “old” place, but in my case I was not as open as I thought I was. Life was tough in the new “old” place.

    Of course, you will go where your soul leads you, but I can’t help wondering if the “stepping back” isn’t moving forward… In my story it was not a positive thing, but life is what we make of it, right? So maybe, just maybe, taking a step back is taking a step back from the edge of a cliff to realign your path a bit. Move one foot to the left and you will find the bridge that crosses the crevasse safely.

    Stepping back does not mean that last step was wrong. Maybe that last step was necessary so you could see what is before you. Now you can readjust the navigation. When sailing you can adjust your course by one degree to find a completely different coast. Or just to navigate around a storm. You can readjust your course once the storm has passed.

    All this to say – the moving backwards isn’t backwards at all, cuz we can’t move backwards.

    *IF* that is where the divine leads you.

    I feel like you know all this… yet, sometimes it is nice to hear it from outside yourself.

    As always, holding hope of dreams come true for you 🙂

    M

    Liked by 1 person

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